Blessing in Disguise

I was ashamed of what happened to my dad's family that's the major reason why I've avoided any discussions about it. I didn't thought it had a great impact in my life especially it happened when I was way too young and all I can think of was playing my toys. I was unaware and naive of my early exposure to my grandfather's mistresses because I thought they were part of our extended family.  I was his favourite granddaughter. No wonder why he had spoiled me with so much love, care, attention and gifts.

When my grandmother died, our family dynamics started to change. We rarely visit at our ancestral house including our weekly bonding with our cousins. I didn't noticed the changes so much since we also got preoccupied with school while my parents are busy running with our growing family businesses. Few years after, i didn’t expected that the pain of the past will be triggered when my dad's business had experienced a major blows followed by their marriage also but fortunately it was sorted out soon before it even get worst. I was too immature then to witness it and I was completely terrified but I'm glad that it didn't led to separation. 

Next thing I realizes, I was fortunate to be trusted by few young couple friends who treated me as their confidant. Witnessing the hardship as they deal with annulment and divorce was a traumatising for an emotionally unstable and commitment phobic like me. I started imagining myself that I might also encounter the same situation considering my background and I felt I didn't had a role model on this that's why I would surely fail as well anytime sooner. These has been my major reason why I didn't enter to any relationships and just stick to enjoying and contented with my “almost relationships”. I usually panicked and runaway when guys started to align their life with me and talk about the future. I thought I don't deserve all of these love and attention. I felt broken and unworthy of the love that other people would showered me because I am not sure if I am capable of loving others considering my background. 

I spent few times with my grandfather during my college years since I stayed at our ancestral house. I know then that I hadn't forgive him yet but it didn't hinder me to shower my love and care for him. My uncle, the eldest brother of my dad, had never ceased to find ways to unite the entire family and he had also take on the role of my grandfather for his siblings. He supported everyone. His indescribable faithfulness and compassion truly moved mountains. He had inspired me to be the best person that I am today. He died few years back and it was quite difficult because he became the foundation of our family. I always pray that all of us find healing and forgiveness. 

When I entered the field of community development, my exposed to various family conflicts (incest, domestic violence, prostitution, infidelity, fixed marriage and etc) and showered with loved by awe-inspiring families who hosted me during my stay at the rural side was deeply broaden and sharpen. It sure did drived me nuts at first. I was so jealous seeing and experiencing their close family ties. I wished I can also bring back the time when our family was like this. I felt insecure while I was helping different families resolved their concerns while I can't even face my family's concern. Slowly, it unleased the pain that I hid inside of me for the longest of time. I was totally heartbroken with what happened to my dad's family especially the impact to my uncles auntie and cousins. I was crying often during those times. I felt helpless but I knew I had to be strong and after running a way and escaping from it.  I finally found the courage to accept, process and endure the pain that I kept inside for the longest of time.

From then on, I started to appreciate certain things like being fortunate to have resilient and loving parents. I forgive myself for letting this control me over the years. I patiently tried to process every situation especially when my grandfather died. It was the time that we had to face the ghost that has been hunting us for years. We met the nth scandalous mistress and family like what's usually portrayed in telenovelas. At that moment, I was asking God why we had to experience this excruciating pain but those questions led me to acceptance and surrendering verything with him. Right then, I had decided to let go of the pain and start healing myself as I wish to heal our family.  

It was only few weeks back when we had our family reunion. I was quite relived and euphoric to witness how each one of us got healed. What happened in the past didn't defined all of us but we took that as our stepping stone. I am forever grateful to everyone who had never ceased to showered me with love and had been a great example of a harmonious, happy and compassionate family. This had prepared me enough as I build my own fam in the future! 💕